It’s gonna be a hard text. For the first it’s gonna be hard for me to translate this. It takes time and I don’t even pretend that I know the grammar correctly. And I know by myself that my spelling is awful. But i try. I have my reasons for writing in english, you’ll figure it out soon.

I had a perfect weekend. As perfect as it can get but... No! „But“ was wrong. Probably exactly because of the perfect weekend I was able to cry, to have tears, again. It’s been a long time without any water in my eyes. Here they come! I don’t want to hold them back, when they come so freely. But I do. I hold them back, when my daughter is close to me. I hold them back but I can’t pretend any other mood I’m in. Just trembling while she’s close.

I know I shouldn’t write this but then again – I’m not even close to that strong person I pretend to be. Not even close. Blog is my way of crying, my way of shouting out. Communication. Strange? Oh yes, at least strange, if not worse. But then again – I did it again! I knew the world needed more from me, I felt some of disgust around me. And I!? I just pretended It never happened. I let it grow, hiding myself in books. Not sleeping, not eating properly. Just dived into fairy tales and kept myself too busy for any reasoning. I’ve read more than dozen books in past few weeks. Good books, awful books, anything catching my site. Just for pretending that „everything is all right“ while it never was.

It’s dark again. I’m broke again, because I thought I had a little bit different budget. But then again – there is nothing new! Been there, done that, year after year. Always been ready for unpleasant surprises. Always calculating. Always ready to borrow some money from my kid. Not the perfect mom? Yeah! That’s me.

But that wasn’t my tears. That isn’t my tears neither. I did it again! I’m slipping on my path and I don’t know how to hold on. Tears are friend most welcome. They make it easier for me. They make me feel, like there might actually be some solution, some relief for me. Even if I don’t see it, don’t feel it. That trembling without tears (that I had in past several years on my „want to haul“ days) was worse, much worse. A ancient voice inside my head keeps reminding me today that I just don’t have any qualities needed for building the secure future. I feel it coming. I had my warnings, I had those and started to read, started to feel nothing, see nothing. I kept myself as occupied as possible – if you sleep constantly too little, you stop thinking before sleeping. Just don’t have any time for that.

Oh shit! Start looking for a job. One way or another I’ll most probably need one soon. Even lower salary, more tight budget, no future, no future, no future... Don’t see any revelation for me – lazy, stupid coward who isn’t capable for anything. And then there are more tears for me. I have to be strong. I have to get something work. I will. Always had, will again. I have a daughter to protect. Perfect daughter.

I will be strong again in the morning, I promise. But for the brief moment I cry over my personal loneliness, bankruptcy, stupidity. Cry over my future losses that I probably can’t avoid. And I really don’t know how to survive, how to cope. I know I’d like to put my tears on your shoulders, each and everyone of you. I know I never will. If you’ll ask, I would most probably answer something like: “oh, had a harsh moment, that’s gone now”. And you’ll never know whether I lied or not. There are walls. Unbreakable walls. Always were, always will. That’s me.

Yep! That’s me. The girl who never grows up, never able to be adult – I’m just the 3-years old who hides herself into the closet when fire breaks out. What’s the point, was my most difficult question today. That’s the use of me? Is there anything in my life, I can do without ruining. Is there anything I’m good at? Anything that might keep me from sinking?

Oh shit. This text turned out even worse than I had in mind. And even that one, I had in mind before starting, was awful enough for writing in english. I probably will change the text tomorrow into one simple sentence. “Don’t listen the turtle whining!” But tomorrow will be tomorrow and today is today.

Just needed a hug. Just needed the cry. But I stop this one for enjoying my tears (trust me – real water in my eyes was the pleasant surprise today).